This particular story begins a little over a year ago, when I first started studying for my qualifying exam in chemistry. But before I get there, I should mention that it is part of a larger story of how God has been working in my life: how He has been coaxing me along for the last two and a half years since coming to MIT, trying to get me to trust Him. You see, I became a Christian in college, and the church I had gone to in Berkeley defined my understanding of what it meant to be a Christian. My newfound faith challenged me to consider what was really important to me, and as I began thinking about grad school I also began to think about what it meant to really live in God’s will.
As you can tell, I ended up coming to MIT, all the while trusting God and hoping for what I could not see, which was primarily a Christ centered community in Boston. But I came to MIT also with the purpose of getting a Ph.D. in inorganic chemistry, and this is not something that I really trusted God with, believing instead that I could manage on my own with the abilities God had given me. But after arriving here, God started to open my eyes to the wonders of biology; and when an opportunity came to study metalloproteins using X-ray crystallography, I eagerly took it, even though my research, for the most part, would be outside the area I was going to be getting my degree in.
Fast-forward to my second-year orals last April, and you might see how I found myself in a bind. Crystallography goes at a slow pace relative to inorganic synthesis, and since I was learning everything from the very basics, it was even slower for me. By the time my oral exam came around, I had almost no results. Additionally, I approached my exam poorly and my committee came away feeling like I had done no work. They did not pass me.
This was a hard blow to my pride, and though I had an opportunity to make it up, I was definitely humbled. In addition, I was suffering spiritual attack: Satan had told me I was worthless, and for a while, I had believed it. After 10 months, I was again given the opportunity to present my research to the faculty. But I was in a much better place spiritually. God’s word spoke to me and reminded me that I received my significance not from what a panel of a few professors thought about me, but from the fact that Jesus had come to earth to die for my sins. What greater significance can I have than that which comes from my God who loves me?
I was further encouraged by the events in the life of our friend Rachel Hillmer. Last year Rachel had to leave MIT without getting her doctorate. But as a small group, we prayed for her and witnessed how God opened doors for her to go to a new program in exactly the field she wanted to study. It was an amazing testimony to God’s faithfulness in the midst of situations that we consider hopeless. So I trusted that whatever God was going to do in my life was going to be to further His plan for me.
At the same time, I felt a sense that God was calling me to stay regardless of how my exam went. I wrote in my journal a few hours before my exam: “God has gifted me to be a scientist and a teacher, and for that reason I believe I will be called to stay here.” And indeed, when I entered the exam this past Monday morning, I was grilled. My answers to questions were mostly, “I don’t know,” or “You’re right, I hadn’t thought of that.” I came away looking like I didn’t know much of anything. But God must have been doing something in the hearts of the professors who sat in on my exam, because with the support and advocacy of my advisor, I passed.
What does this mean for me now? Well, all of a sudden I have to take this thesis thing seriously. I can’t count on getting kicked out anymore as a means of leaving anytime soon. But apart from that it means very little. My future is not in my hands, but in God’s. It is His hand that is guiding my life, and whether my future lies in academia or elsewhere, it is His recommendation in the hearts of those evaluating me that counts far more than any work of my own hands, any piece of paper from the desk of a professor, or any publication with my name attached to it.
As the prophet Isaiah said, “See, I lay in Zion a stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall, and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.” I may be a slow learner, but I am learning; and the more I trust Him, the more I am finding that He indeed is trustworthy.
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